Did you have a kid on the playground that was known for their whoppers? They did not just tell a lie. They told whoppers, lies so big that no one in their right mind would believe that they were true. These kids grew into great storytellers, as long as they stayed in touch with the fact that they were not telling the truth. They told tall tales and people enjoyed listening to them.
However, as soon as the audience got the feeling that the teller
believed that what they were saying was true, they crowd would start stepping
back. The more convinced the speaker
became that he was telling the truth, the farther back many would step. But then, something interesting would
happen. Some of the audience would start
moving in closer especially if the stories being told confirmed their deeply
held biases and prejudices. In fact,
they would start cheering and applauding as the Liar’s pants caught fire. They would declare that he was brave enough
to finally tell the “truth.”
Not every whopper-teller from the playground grows into a
congenital liar as an adult. I believe
these adult liars are made, not born.
They may start out with a creative imagination, but something happens as
they grow into adulthood. They may
retreat into fantasy to escape the reality of a painful childhood. They may have such deep, inner turmoil that
the only coping mechanism that works is denial and creative remembering. And for some, they may have so little respect
for themselves or the people around them that the truth seems to be a waste of
time. The latter is especially true if
they have been sheltered from the consequences of their lying. It becomes even more evident when they are
encouraged to tell their lies by others that are important to them.
In my experience, almost everyone lies. We do remember differently and sometimes we
are simply wrong. Other times we fill in
the gaps of memory with what could have or should have happened. Sometimes, our self-interest or ego is so
involved that we creatively remember.
This is common and does not really reflect a great deal of
indecency. But, when someone lies, even
in the face of evidence to the contrary, they have moved into a whole new realm
where disrespect seems to be law of the land.
There is a link between respect and truth-telling. The truth depends on self-respect, respect
for the real world, and respect for the listener. Self-respect acknowledges that we are part of
a greater community and honor our place in that network. We want to be known as a person of their word
who is trustworthy. Without self-respect
we feel no incentive to be honest with ourselves or others. The truth-teller also has respect for the
real world. They recognize that actions
have consequences and facts are facts, not opinions. We honor reality with a healthy respect for
its impact on our lives and the lives of others. A truthful person also honors the
relationships they share with people who care about them. They do not want to disappoint or damage that
relationship. Without a healthy respect
for ourselves, the world around us, and the people who share it with us, the
need for honesty becomes an inconvenient impediment to fulfilling their
desires. Honesty becomes expendable.
How do we deal with the “flaming britches liars” in our
lives? How do we recover the uncommon
decency of truth-telling?
First, we need to distinguish between storytelling,
everyday sort of lying, and the Pants-on-Fire Liar. The storyteller does it to entertain and
everyone acknowledges that he is lying. It
is the World Wrestling Federation and Reality TV of lying. The everyday sort of social liar is likely
lying to themselves more than folks around them. It is a very common act and sometimes a way
to cope with the ups and downs of life.
But the last category of liar is truly dangerous. They attract followers and can cause a great
deal of damage to others around them.
Ask yourself what kind of liar you are encountering and act accordingly.
If it is the storyteller, change the channel or laugh
along with them. If it is the social
liar, disregard and chalk it up to human frailty. If it is the latter speak up and call out the
lies.
Resist
the gaslighting. The Pants on Fire Liar
wants you to doubt your own mind. They
want you to be powerless to argue with their lies. They will tell the same lie over and over
again. They will tell big lies that
challenge the way you see the world. Avoid
the vortex of lies that swirls around the gaslighter.
Next,
follow the money. Who benefits from the
lie? Call them out even if they are not spinning
the web of deceit. They are using it to
gain some benefits. Make sure that you
know, those around know, and the one’s benefitting know that you know. Do not let the liar’s allies go unchecked.
Third,
withhold any respect for their statements or their trustworthiness. We do not owe a fair hearing to the big
liar. They do not have a concern for
decency or fairness. They are slashing
and burning their way through our lives and tolerating them or giving them a
fair hearing only serves their purposes, not the purposes pf civil discourse. They do not deserve, nor should they receive your
attention or toleration of their dangerous lying.
Fourth, stay true to yourself. The power of the gaslight is that it causes
us to doubt ourselves. “Would he say
such a thing if it were not true?” “Maybe
I am wrong. He is the President, after
all.” The gaslighting liar wants power
over you and they do so by causing you to doubt your own moral and intellectual
foundation. Do not yield any ground to the one you know is a Pants-on-Fire Liar.
Hold fast against the onslaught, even when others chime in. Remember, they are gaining something from the
lie as well.
By the way, this sort of lying is not “politics as usual”
or just “part of the game.” Do not be
lulled into believing that it is okay because it is so prevalent or the spinmeisters
have tried to diminish its ill-effects.
This sort of lying is never okay and should always be resisted.
You owe it to yourself and to those around you to stand your ground against the malicious liar. Uncommon decency requires that we call out the Big Liar and protect ourselves and those around us from the all-to-common indecency of lying that has become part of our lives in 2020. Stand firm and resist. Let it be said that “Nevertheless, she persisted.”
Bob
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