An UnCommon Decency – Day 35 – Dealing With The Elementary School Demagogue

Today I remember that kid who fought for the center of attention on the schoolyard or in the classroom.  He seemed to find a way to get everyone's attention.  He would dress outrageously, make attention-seeking noises, get into just enough trouble to hold the teacher's attention, or talk too loudly.  He would create a whirlwind of drama around himself to get everyone talking.  Later on, he drove the most expensive car, or the "baddest" hotrod, etc.  He hooked up with the trophy date and made sure to parade her around the school.  He bragged about being the best and brightest.  His achievements were always a bit more important than anyone else's.  Yep, that kid learned how to capture and hold the focus on himself so that he could never be forgotten or left behind.  He needed to be the center of attention, ALWAYS!

To be fair, not everyone who was the center of attention needed or even wanted to be there.  Some were embarrassed to be the topic in the schoolyard chatter.   For others, the spotlight seemed to seek them out, and they enjoyed their moment of "fame." However, they enjoyed slipping back into anonymity when their time passed.  I am not talking about these folks.  The attention seekers are not to be confused with those who naturally gravitate to the spotlight. 

I am talking those who either believe they deserve the spotlight or crave it so much they find a way to claim it for themselves.  Generally, these kids reveal their need for the class's attention in two ways.  First, they cannot share the spotlight with anyone else.  Second, they cannot give up the spotlight once they get it.

Today, as we prepare to vote in 35 days, I invite you to consider the UnCommon Decency of someone who can enjoy the spotlight when it finds them, sharing it when appropriate, and then moving on when it shines on someone else.   I am also asking you to think about the Common InDecency of someone who seeks and holds the attention on only himself, at all costs.  The former is an Inspirational Center while the latter is a Demagogue. 

Over the last five years, we have become all too familiar with a Demagogue.  This word grew out of a Greek word that described one who leads the common people.  It did not have any negative meaning unless you were an elitist who viewed common folks with disdain.  But in the last few hundred years, the word has acquired a new and darker meaning.  It now refers to someone who appeals to people through their prejudices by making false claims and promises to gain power.  The Demagogue demands and holds his target audience's attention with loud, abusive, untruthful appeals to their racism and fears.  The Demagogue needs the center of attention to fulfill their lust for power over others. One straightforward way to identify a Demagogue is by their deep jealousy of an inspirational leader.  The Demagogue wants to erase the Inspirational Leader's legacy and tear them down with every opportunity.   The Demagogue cannot and will not share the limelight with anyone, especially a rival for the spotlight.

How does the Demagogue get and hold the focus of a nation?

They employ outrageous words or actions.  The Demagogue knows the words they are speaking are untrue or misleading.  But they are not seeking to share the truth.  All they want are the headlines and daily chatter to focus on them.  The actions do not serve the public good or change something for the better.  The Demagogue likely knows, on some level, that what they are doing is not helpful.  It may even be ultimately destructive.   But once again, they are not seeking to build up.  All they want are the daily headlines and coffee shop chatter to be all about them.

Once they get their target group's attention, they hold that attention by provoking and invoking fear or shame or some other powerful negative emotion.  They generally will identify a cadre of "enemies of the people" who want to destroy the American way of life.  The Demagogue seeks to shame those who do not fall in line with name-calling and accusations of disloyalty and betrayal of ideas like patriotism and piety.  They must be relentless in their allegations and threats to hold the headlines and twitter feeds.  The Demagogue does not care about the truth or validity of any of this.  They may even discount all news as "fake news" to discredit those who would try and steal the light of public discourse from them.

The ultimate Attention Seeker is the Demagogue who can capture the attention of a nation and a good part of the world with his lies, rhetoric, outrageous dress, and a constant barrage of media fodder. And, as long as we pay attention, the schoolyard attention seeker will continue his Common InDecency.

So, how can we deal with the Demagogue?  We need to start committing and rewarding UnCommon Decency.

UnCommon Decency begins with turn our backs on the schoolyard Demagogue and focuses our attention on the inspirational leaders among us.  The Demagogue will prevent this from happening.  But it is possible!

Our attention is an act of our will.  It is not under anyone else's control.  They may influence our attention, but we have the choice of where we look and what we hear.  Take charge of your focus.  Turn off the sources that the Demagogue uses to speak to his victims.  Instead, listen for those voices of reason and let your mind and heart gravitate to them.  Unfortunately, the more the Demagogue discovers that people are tuning them out, the louder and more outrageous he will become.  But he still cannot control where you focus your mind and soul.  Make your choices out of others' inspiration rather than the fears and worries that are invoked by the message and actions of the Demagogue.

Turning from the Demagogue will require that we get a grip on our fears so that we can look and listen elsewhere.  The old counseling technique of "name it" and "claim it" can be very helpful.  Do not hide behind the false claim that you are not afraid.  Name your fears.  Claim them as real and then muster the courage to move on anyway.  Fear is a companion in everyone's life.  The mark of growing us is how effectively we respond to our fears.  If we allow them to control us, the fearful will be forever caught in the flock of sheep.  But if we identify and claim our fears, we can set them aside and do what needs to be done for ourselves and others.  This is the essence of courage.  And the Common InDecency of the Demagogue demands a high level of the UnCommon Decency of Courage to move on.

There is a wonderful side effect of changing the focus of your attention away from the Demagogue.  The UnCommon Decency of courage steals your light from the Demagogue and shines it elsewhere, making it easier for others to follow suit.  The more people turn who turn to inspirational leaders will raise that leader's credibility and validity.  Yes, this will provoke the Demagogue.  Yes, a wounded and desperate animal is a dangerous creature.  But we cannot keep feeding it so that it will not eat us.  Instead, we need to focus our attention on an inspirational "dragonslayer" who will help us deal with the Demagogue and move forward.  Courage is contagious.  We need to share it.

Engage in the UnCommon Decency to look away from those who crave and seek the limelight.  Instead, focus on those upon whom that light naturally falls.  Let your hopes and dreams capture your attention and help you focus your energies as you seek out inspirational people to hold your spotlight.  Encourage those around you to move beyond their fears.   Help them see that naming and claiming our fears is not an admission of failure but the path to freedom from the Demagogues threats and lies.  Help them to shift their light onto the Inspirational Leaders as well.

How did the teacher handle that attention seeker in elementary school?  She ignored him until he threw his temper tantrum disrupted the class.  Then she sent him to the Principal's office for discipline.  Life will discipline the Demagogue.  Life finds a way.  Our job is not to feed him with our attention or our votes and get on with growing into the nation we seek to be.

Bob

An Uncommon Decency – Day 41– Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Did you have a kid on the playground that was known for their whoppers?  They did not just tell a lie.   They told whoppers, lies so big that no one in their right mind would believe that they were true.  These kids grew into great storytellers, as long as they stayed in touch with the fact that they were not telling the truth.  They told tall tales and people enjoyed listening to them. 

 

However, as soon as the audience got the feeling that the teller believed that what they were saying was true, they crowd would start stepping back.  The more convinced the speaker became that he was telling the truth, the farther back many would step.  But then, something interesting would happen.  Some of the audience would start moving in closer especially if the stories being told confirmed their deeply held biases and prejudices.  In fact, they would start cheering and applauding as the Liar’s pants caught fire.  They would declare that he was brave enough to finally tell the “truth.”

 

Not every whopper-teller from the playground grows into a congenital liar as an adult.  I believe these adult liars are made, not born.  They may start out with a creative imagination, but something happens as they grow into adulthood.  They may retreat into fantasy to escape the reality of a painful childhood.  They may have such deep, inner turmoil that the only coping mechanism that works is denial and creative remembering.  And for some, they may have so little respect for themselves or the people around them that the truth seems to be a waste of time.  The latter is especially true if they have been sheltered from the consequences of their lying.  It becomes even more evident when they are encouraged to tell their lies by others that are important to them.

 

In my experience, almost everyone lies.  We do remember differently and sometimes we are simply wrong.  Other times we fill in the gaps of memory with what could have or should have happened.  Sometimes, our self-interest or ego is so involved that we creatively remember.  This is common and does not really reflect a great deal of indecency.  But, when someone lies, even in the face of evidence to the contrary, they have moved into a whole new realm where disrespect seems to be law of the land.

 

There is a link between respect and truth-telling.  The truth depends on self-respect, respect for the real world, and respect for the listener.  Self-respect acknowledges that we are part of a greater community and honor our place in that network.  We want to be known as a person of their word who is trustworthy.  Without self-respect we feel no incentive to be honest with ourselves or others.  The truth-teller also has respect for the real world.  They recognize that actions have consequences and facts are facts, not opinions.  We honor reality with a healthy respect for its impact on our lives and the lives of others.  A truthful person also honors the relationships they share with people who care about them.  They do not want to disappoint or damage that relationship.  Without a healthy respect for ourselves, the world around us, and the people who share it with us, the need for honesty becomes an inconvenient impediment to fulfilling their desires.  Honesty becomes expendable. 

 

How do we deal with the “flaming britches liars” in our lives?  How do we recover the uncommon decency of truth-telling?

 

First, we need to distinguish between storytelling, everyday sort of lying, and the Pants-on-Fire Liar.  The storyteller does it to entertain and everyone acknowledges that he is lying.  It is the World Wrestling Federation and Reality TV of lying.  The everyday sort of social liar is likely lying to themselves more than folks around them.  It is a very common act and sometimes a way to cope with the ups and downs of life.  But the last category of liar is truly dangerous.  They attract followers and can cause a great deal of damage to others around them.  Ask yourself what kind of liar you are encountering and act accordingly.

 

If it is the storyteller, change the channel or laugh along with them.  If it is the social liar, disregard and chalk it up to human frailty.  If it is the latter speak up and call out the lies. 

 

Resist the gaslighting.  The Pants on Fire Liar wants you to doubt your own mind.  They want you to be powerless to argue with their lies.  They will tell the same lie over and over again.  They will tell big lies that challenge the way you see the world.  Avoid the vortex of lies that swirls around the gaslighter.

 

Next, follow the money.  Who benefits from the lie?   Call them out even if they are not spinning the web of deceit.  They are using it to gain some benefits.  Make sure that you know, those around know, and the one’s benefitting know that you know.  Do not let the liar’s allies go unchecked.

 

Third, withhold any respect for their statements or their trustworthiness.  We do not owe a fair hearing to the big liar.  They do not have a concern for decency or fairness.  They are slashing and burning their way through our lives and tolerating them or giving them a fair hearing only serves their purposes, not the purposes pf civil discourse.  They do not deserve, nor should they receive your attention or toleration of their dangerous lying.

 

Fourth, stay true to yourself.  The power of the gaslight is that it causes us to doubt ourselves.  “Would he say such a thing if it were not true?”  “Maybe I am wrong.  He is the President, after all.”  The gaslighting liar wants power over you and they do so by causing you to doubt your own moral and intellectual foundation.  Do not yield any ground to the one you know is a Pants-on-Fire Liar.  Hold fast against the onslaught, even when others chime in.  Remember, they are gaining something from the lie as well.

 

By the way, this sort of lying is not “politics as usual” or just “part of the game.”  Do not be lulled into believing that it is okay because it is so prevalent or the spinmeisters have tried to diminish its ill-effects.  This sort of lying is never okay and should always be resisted.

 

You owe it to yourself and to those around you to stand your ground against the malicious liar.  Uncommon decency requires that we call out the Big Liar and protect ourselves and those around us from the all-to-common indecency of lying that has become part of our lives in 2020.  Stand firm and resist.  Let it be said that “Nevertheless, she persisted.”

 

Bob

An Uncommon Decency - Day 43 - Dealing with Bullies

Every schoolyard had a bully.  They were just part of the landscape.  They were the older boy who was much larger than the other boys.  He gathered a few “admirers" around him and sought out the less mature or smaller boys.  They would steal their lunch money or terrorize them just because they could.  Or it could be a small clutch of “Mean Girls” who would play cruel games on younger, less connected girls just because they could.  The key to “bullyhood” is that they are cruel and threatening just because they could.  They likely have deeper issues, but they select their victims just because they are smaller or have less support from other kids.  Schoolyard bullies were a fact of life in the schoolyard.  Unfortunately, they have become a fact of life in our political playground of 2020.  Uncommon decency requires that we not tolerate bullying. 

 

It is often believed that bullying is a one-on-one activity between the bully and their victim.  But true bullying always involves a crowd.  The bully will gather a cohort to cheer them on.  We may call this a gang or a group of mean girls.  These admirers will cheer the bully on while adding their own torment to the victim’s distress.  But there are others surrounding the bully.  This is a group of spectators who show up to watch the bully and company at work.  The admirers and spectators play essential roles in the bullying event.  The former takes pride in their “leader” who picks on the different folks and establishes a norm of being just like us.  Ther latter stand by and pretend that it is none of their business while getting a thrill at seeing the weaker, different child being beaten up emotionally and physically.  There is little we can do about the bully.  The key to not tolerating bullying is to “call out” the admirers and spectators.  Without them, the bully will back down and slick away in shame.

 

In 2020, we need an uncommon decency that will not tolerate bullies.  First, we need to look out for the bullied.  The bullied should not be on their own.  Second, we need to be honest enough to not use a bully to intimidate our opponents in order to get our way and defend our views of normal.   Ultimately, we need to gather around the weaker and those less able to defend themselves and hold the bully’s admirers and spectators responsible for their role.  We cannot rely on the “teacher” or other authorities to “fix” the bullying.  We need to look out for one another, speaking up and, if necessary, surrounding the bullied with our protective presence.  In short, we, as a community, need to stand up for the bullied while calling out the cowardice of the bully and their admirers and spectators. 

 

The most effective way to deal with today’s bully is to vote.  Name the bully and their admirers and vote against them.  Call out the spectators that are cheering the bully on and help them see their role in the abuse of the victims by voting against them as well.  Uncommon decency demands no less.

We can also refuse to do business with the buly's allies who cheer him on from the sidelines.  I am not talking simply about a boycott.   We should make sure that their customers are informed of the businesses' support for the indecency of bullying.  Such is the way of an uncommon deacency in 2020.

Uncommon decency does not tolerate bullying in the schoolyard or the public square.  Decent people stand up for those who are suffering.  We do not stand aside and laugh at their misfortune.  Nor does it tolerate bullying, even when it supports our biases and prejudices.   In the next 5 ½ weeks, call out the admirers and spectators who are supporting the Bully in the White House and let them know that you stand for an uncommon decency in the midst of the great indecency of 2020.

 

Bob

An Uncommon Decency - 45 Days to Go

For the next 45 days, I will be sharing my thoughts on what I consider to be the most important issue facing the US Electorate.  A second term for DJT is certainly a major concern and could change the course of our nation, but it is not the primary issue.  The party that holds the majority in the 2016 Senate is also an important concern, but, like the first, it is not the most vital.  A vacancy has occurred on SCOTUS, and the GOP will likely fulfill their long-held goal of stacking the court with oligarch-friendly jurists.  But even this is not the major issue for this election.  No, there is something far more vital to our Republic and the future of our nation.  There is something that, if ignored, will tear apart the very fabric of our society.  Are we going to continue to allow decency to become more and more uncommon in our life together as Americans?   

This happened once before and it took five years of civil war and over 600,000 lives before we began to come back together as a society.  (Some would rightly argue that the healing is not complete after 155 years.)

This latest trend toward indecency in our public life began in1989 when the Senate voted John Tower down for a Cabinet Position.  The campaign against Tower was both vicious and personal.  It included attacks on his character and personal life.  There had always been personal attacks in political debates, but generally, these were understated or left to the newspapers or media.  But with the Tower confirmation hearings, major political leaders openly engaged in brazen character assassination and fostering lies to advance their cause.  There were no political consequences for their misbehavior.  That small event has culminated in the 2016 Presidential Election and the elevation of Trumpism as the standard of operation for a major political party. 

Decency has become very uncommon.   This change was signaled when 45 mocked a man with an obvious disability and was applauded for his honesty.  Indecency has become the rule of the day in all things political.  Lying, ignoring the conventions of civility, and hyper-partisanship are the most obvious signs of this indecency.  But the public display of absolute contempt for the opposition as well as setting aside even the pretension of serving the public good has continued unchallenged.  We live in a period when decency has been set aside for political expediency.  The tone of our relationships with our neighbors and others with whom we disagree has been degraded.

We have become a society that lives out of Trumpian narcissism and a lack of compassion in our everyday relationships.  Our children are picking up on this and taking it back into the schoolyard where it was created.  Sectarianism, faux patriotism, and an empty faith, along with a big dose of being offended by the existence of people different from ourselves have become the norm in 2020 America.  No society can survive when it is tearing itself apart with such indecencies.

Over the next 45 days, I want to give voice to the uncommon decency that we need to recover if we are to long endure as a people.  I invite you to share your comments and observations on this as well.  Engage one another in the comments and on social media.  Let’s initiate a dialogue on the real future of our society.  I encourage you to treat one another with decency and compassion and expect the same out of our political candidates and their minions.  Let us renew the call for uncommon decency in our life together.

Bob